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They say you are what you eat, which never made much sense to me.

It would make sense if someone only ate one particular item all the time, which leads to the other similar saying, “If you keep eating tacos, you’re going to return a taco.”

But 99.99299% of people don’t always eat the same thing over and over again, which means if you really are what you eat, people would walk around like a Frankenstian food monster.

The kids were running around like a combination of hot dogs and ice cream; students would be considered a collection of pizzas, Ramen noodles and light beer, and vegans, well, there’s no need to identify a vegan because most of them can’t help but tell you say what they eat.

So if you are, indeed, what you eat, then how you eat it could reveal that you are a psychopath.

For example, my best friend in high school bought a four-pack of peanut butter every time we went to the movies.

Once seated, he took the peanut butter cups out of the package one at a time and nibbled all the ridges from the cup, placed the nibbled disk on his leg, then continued the ritual.

Before you know it, the four nibbled peanut butter cups were sitting in a row on his leg, and he was then eating one cup at a time, much like a serial killer would.

Recently, I noticed my daughter-in-law, Emma, ​​peeling the skin off her chicken nuggets and placing the discarded skins to the side as she ate the naked chicken nuggets.

She then consumes the collection of fried chicken skins like a serial killer would.

I admit I have been pointed out that I have my own “weird” habits when it comes to eating…beyond just shoveling food into my mouth with a real shovel.

Every time I eat a slice of ice cream cake, I eat the chocolate ice cream first, then the vanilla ice cream, and finally the center where the fudge and crumbled cookies are – not like a killer would in series, however.

I’m more refined than that. I consider what I do more along the lines of an evil genius who does his deeds from a boardroom surrounded by henchmen and a massive tank of sharks.

It’s my fantasy. Let me cling to it desperately.

If you think I’m rehashing an old story where Emma dipped her apple slices in ketchup, you’re wrong. You see, this was more of a review about disgusting eating habits; it’s more about how consuming your food might throw (pun intended) some red flags about you.

It’s like having a donut filled with jelly and sucking up the jelly before eating it…like a serial killer would.

Normally, I would point out the many flaws of this breakthrough in food forensics, which I call the Hofmunchin method, but I believe the method will benefit the justice system in terms of profiling.

Imagine a scenario where FBI agents are investigating a series of gruesome murders in a small town, and they interview a waitress at the local restaurant about a potential suspect.

“He would come in once a week and order a slice of apple pie and a slice of peach pie, and he would sit there for an hour swapping toppings from one pie to another,” the waitress said. “Then he would pile the two pies on top of each other and eat it all with two spoons.”

The lone FBI agent slowly puts on his mirrored sunglasses, looks away, half-smiles and says, “We got you!”

The Hofmunchin’ method can also be used for a stay of execution.

There are many websites dedicated to documenting the last meals of infamous death row inmates.

Although I won’t divulge the names of the actual killers, I will give examples of the foods they requested as well as what could be a statement from a state governor based on the last meals using the Hofmunchin method.

In 2009, an inmate requested that instead of a meal for himself, a pizza be delivered to a homeless shelter.

GOVERNOR: “Perhaps his appeal should be reconsidered.”

In 1990, an inmate asked for real dirt for his last meal, but since it wasn’t an approved menu item, they gave him yogurt instead.

GOVERNOR: “Can I join the firing squad for this one?”

And, finally, in 2011, an inmate requested the following: two chicken fried steaks, a triple bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a bowl of fried okra with ketchup, a pound of grilled meat with half a loaf of white bread, three fajitas, a pizza for meat lovers, a pint of ice cream, peanut butter fudge with crushed peanuts, and three root beers.

GOVERNOR: “Hmm…if he survives the meal, I’ll grant the stay, but if he manages to escape after that, just list his menu as his description. I ran my campaign by being what you eat, so it won’t be hard to find.

According to Hofmann is written by Rostraver Township staff reporter Mark Hofmann. His books, “Good grief! A Guide to Biting the Big One…and Dying, Too” and “Stupid Brain” are available on Amazon.com.