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dear Amy: My daughter is 33 years old, lives alone, flourishes in her career and is doing very well in many ways. She lives in another city, so I only see her a few times a year. We often talk on the phone.

When she was a teenager, she suffered from an eating disorder (anorexia). We intervened and took her to an expert therapist who worked with her for two years. She has developed many tools to deal with her eating disorders.

Stress is a trigger and can send her into anxiety disorder behaviors.

She’s currently trying to move to another state, and I’m afraid (mostly because of her social media posts) that she may be dealing with messy eating habits again. She looks very thin.

Her brother told me he was very concerned, but he doesn’t think she would be open to any concerns/suggestions he might have. She’s super sensitive when I question anything about her diet.

When she was in therapy, her therapist had told family members that we needed to let her make her own food choices – to give her control.

I fear she is dealing with her current stress in an unhealthy way. How do you suggest I best help him without alienating him?

Concerned: As with some other illnesses, eating disorders can flare up, even years after successful treatment. Stress is a definite risk factor and can lead to a relapse.

Understand a fundamental truth: we all become more defensive when confronted with our deepest vulnerabilities.

Your daughter is of age. She is ultimately responsible for managing her health.

His eating disorder can be considered a chronic condition. If she had an autoimmune disease (also triggered by stress), you would want to encourage her to take care of her health.

Expressing your concern lovingly could trigger a defensive reaction.

And yet, you are her mother, and if you are brave enough to talk to her, you will show that you care about her, that you are on her side, that you see her eating disorder as an illness and not as a character flaw, and that you are available to help her if she needs it.

Talk to her: “This is such a stressful time for you. I’m afraid your eating disorder is spreading. How are you managing your health right now? Can I help you in any way? »

She may respond, “Mom – stop.” And it doesn’t matter. You can respond, “Honey, I worry, but I can handle my own anxieties. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. Still.”

The National Eating Disorders Association (nationalatingdisorders.org) offers useful tips for families.

dear Amy: My beloved husband left this physical earth 20 months ago.

I did not have a tombstone unveiling.

Recently, a close family friend visited our grave and laid flowers there. Our plaque has his date of birth and his date of death.

She then posted a photo of this on Facebook and shared it with her entire “friends” list, some of whom I don’t know. I was a bit shocked to see the photo, which I found because I was scrolling on my own Facebook page.

I know our grave is public, but am I wrong to think she shouldn’t have posted it and shared it everywhere without asking permission?

Am I a relic? I found this disrespectful.

upset: I can very well imagine how you must have felt seeing a picture of this memorial marker on social media.

For me, this raises the question: Can we still do anything that remains private or personal?

I ask (rhetorically): Can we eat a meal, have a fight, do a good deed, or visit a friend’s grave without posting an update about it?

You could reach out to your friend and say, “I’m so grateful you visited my husband’s grave. Thank you very much for honoring us with the visit and the flowers. However, I was sad to see that you posted a photo of it on Facebook. Seeing the photo without knowing it would be there was a shock to me. I wish you had asked me first.

dear Amy: I am a bartender. A big thank you for recognize the role that responsible bartenders play trying to keep our customers safe.

Any customer who feels worried or in danger should absolutely alert the bartender and/or security personnel. We can often handle a situation safely and discreetly.

Bartender: Thank you very sincerely for your service.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency